Birthdays can be celebratory—or they can feel like a punch in the gut. A feeling Debby Ryan knows all too well.
On what would have been her late friend Jeff Baena’s 48th birthday June 29, the actress detailed the rollercoaster of emotions she’s felt since Baena’s death by suicide in January.
“I’ve never been a public griever, and have a hard time sharing fragile feelings with strangers,” she began a lengthy tribute on Instagram, which featured a carousel of memories. “I’ve thought about him every day for the past six months…I lost a dear friend, cherished collaborator and mentor in Jeff Baena. It’s been very hard and heavy, and a lot of people lost him, because he was like the nucleus of this whole Jeff universe.”
“I’ve discovered the stages of grief aren’t linear; they’re like space stations I’ve docked at, in between periods of floating,” the 32-year-old continued. “My hope is they eventually feel more like satellites—always orbiting, often in view, but not a place to live.”
And for his birthday, Ryan shared some of her favorite traits about Baena, who was estranged from wife Aubrey Plaza at the time of his death.
“He was generous,” the Disney alum wrote. “Warm while principled. Intentional with a casual lilt. Usually right about stuff we have no way of knowing about. Spirited in debate.”
“His standard for quality was in the ingredients—just like his casts,” she continued. “He had a menagerie of players and games, and it was a real collection.”
And she was lucky to be part of that equation working alongside the director in 2020’s Horse Girl as well as 2022’s Spin Me Round, both featuring Alison Brie.
“He believed in me. I feel really proud to be able to say that,” Ryan wrote. “Jeff was a rare person in the world who gave me the dignity of introducing myself, of being taken at my present. And I liked who he saw. Like good friendship helps you love yourself, good collaboration gives you the chance to be the best evolution of yourself.”
And their friendship went far beyond the screen. During the pandemic, Baena hosted game nights on zoom for their community. And when the world began to open up again, he invited Ryan to film festivals, introduced her to new restaurants and, as she detailed, brought her “to the most beautiful places I’ve worked.”
Baena, she shared, gave her the opportunity “to be closer to my true self,” Ryan added. “He always made me feel like that was enough and even good. Allowed to belong. Worth believing in. Deserving of respect. I was gonna work with him forever.”
When she and Twenty One Pilots drummer Josh Dun, who she married in 2019, moved to Ohio, “I felt safe to know I would always have a place in his world, to stay creative and learning,” she continued. “Some of the best gifts from my time on this earth were being in the last two of his five films and developing a third together.”
Now, six months after his sudden death, she is still grappling with what the world looks like without him.
“I thought I’d have better feelings by now, better understandings and sentiments, but I’m still angry,” she added. “I really wanted to know him for a long time, and I expected to. It’s confusing because of how much he believed in a future of creating together, which is to believe in a future, and one worth decorating with movies, and collaboration, and anticipation…with memories and music and game nights and really good ingredients.”
She’s learning to balance the waves of grief with acceptance, “trying to adjust to past tense. Trying to absolve guilt for not being able to save my friend,” Ryan said. “Trying to forgive my friend for taking my friend.”
“Six months of things happening that Jeff will never know about, that’s so crazy,” she concluded. “Six months of trying to accept the new impossibility of the things we were gonna make together. Months of discoveries of the things he left behind; and the gifts he continues to give me and those who he shone his light on. Thanks for all of it, Jeff. Love you dude. and happy birthday.”
